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Archive for December, 2009


Commercial Review

Recently, commercials have really been catching my attention. A few are making me bat shit crazy. Let the acquiescent insanity begin:

It’s Beginning to Look a lot like Passive Aggressive Christmas

I was unaware of how tense a white Christmas was until I watched this commercial. The atmosphere in this commercial gets so unpleasant that it a second longer I would have an anxiety attack.

The husband is completely ineffectual, a dud. Instead of saying, “What the hell did you just do? Are you insane?! We are broke and I know I didn’t get that for you, where the shit did you get that money??!” and worrying about how this bit of overspending is going to affect mealtime for the next month, he just passively whines about Santa’s little splurge. Enjoy the soup kitchen, buddy. I hope they have high chairs for your children.

Perhaps he was not thrust into a rage because that nice flat screen television is clearly stolen. I have never gotten a gift, that was made in a factory, without some sort of packaging. I guess the idea is, upon purchasing this television, this lady went home, took it out of the box, and THEN wrapped it.

At 00:14 there is a shot of the couples’ little girl. She is clearly a victim of emotional abuse. If mommy is like this about a television, I can’t imagine how manipulative she must have been when it came time to sign up for ballet classes- fulfilling mommys’ dream of dancing that never came true as a result of her clubbed foot. The daughters eyes’ show us that mommy and daddy are quickly on the path to an imminent divorce- this horrible scene has been played out time and time again. This little girl is just hoping that the tension wont be resolved with her parents wailing on each other, like last time.

In truth, all of their eyes look as though earlier in the morning the family dog was run over repeatedly by a bus carrying orphan, who had died from TB, to the morgue.

The last few seconds of this commercial are priceless. It is very clear how close this lady is to the edge of a freak out. Her eyes communicate it all, “Maybe you should shut the fuck up because I got what I wanted for Christmas.  I know your wack-ass wasn’t gonna pull through so, as usual, I had to satisfy my self. If you don’t like it I don’t care. Say one more thing and I will beat you while you sleep. Try me. I married a loser.”

Do Ya Wanna?!

I find this commercial extremely irritating. Firstly, step being used to sell sweatshop quality clothing? Heartbreaking. Not only does this commercial have zero visual appeal, but the lyrics are nauseating as well.  Particularly offensive are the efforts to include everyones’ holiday. DoWhateveryouwanuka? What the hell is that? And why do i need these yuppie dancers to tell me what I am allowed to celebrate???

Kwanzaa, Christmas, and Hannuka all get shout outs. Even some crazy holiday called Solstice, which is surely some Wiccan holiday revolving around Hot Topic incense and poorly lit chanting. But where is the shout out to Islam? Even though it would be awkwardly timed, with the inclusion of DoWhateveryouwanuka I would think the Gap isn’t concerned with making a fool of itself if it means inclusion. And yet, Muslims get no shout out, the message being that Gap was not made to fit Muslim customers. Do not hold your breath for Gaps’ hijab line.

At 00:15 this guy jumps high into the air seemingly poised to land on his knees. What a brave soul, what a feat- giving his future health to the Gap corporation. I know that boy hurt his knees, can’t you hear his grunt? In forty years, when he is hobbled over, making that walker shake like Los  Angeles, I am sure he will remember that plaid jacket and think, “it wasn’t in vain.” And the child who sewed it together? He died a while ago so no worries, at least he had a nice DoWhateveryouwanuka.

The final moment that really sticks in my craw comes at 00:22.  Sitting atop some fantasy hay loft, this young man bangs the shit out of this little boy’s shoulder in order to get his attention. A gentle tap would suffice, the dancing is not that hypnotizing. The young man then points up and out, to the distance; the boy is enraptured with the gesture and looks. What the hell did he see that warranted all the violence and high energy? Was it a flying pink elephant, farting golden ice cream sundaes? Or perhaps it was the promise of Harry Hannuka that encouraged the boy to look, only to find that the young man screams “GOTCHA” into his fragile cochlea. Maybe in the distance was a way out of the douche-baggery portrayed in this commercial. Alas, we the audience never get to find out.

Actually I lied, I really can’t stand their hip laughter at the very end of the commercial as well. (And what’s with that white lady breaking her ass trying to ride a white boy?)

Frapp Crapp

This kid making coffee

The scene opens up in the suburbs.  A line of young women are waiting to get a frappaccino from the young man picture above. I wish I could have found the video of this commercial, the image will have to suffice (although in the video he is waring a stunning blazer to go along with that kicking bow tie).  The women place orders for their drinks, without any visible exchange of currency, and then a luscious montage of how to actually make the frappuccino ensues. At the end of all the pouring and mixing a woman approaches, handing over a Starbucks look-a-like cup, and asks for a frappuccino. The boy says something to the effect of, “We don’t take those around here,” and the woman lowers the cup, dejected. The boy then says the slogan, “Now that’s how you Frapp,” while giving double guns like the Jesse James of cool hand gestures.

I’ll be damned if this commercial doesn’t portray a drug dealer hawking his wares to junkies. A strange boy, dressed completely out of context for being a supposed barista, is making frappuccinos at the end of a cul de sac and these crackheads just cannot wait to line up and get a taste. Incredibly, there are those who have already had a fix, but are lined up jonesing for more. There is only one way I would approach a stranger giving away strong stimulants, and that is as a junkie. If this isn’t a commercial for capitalist greed and its connection to the drug game, I don’t know what is.

Also, those cute as a button little white boys kind of freak me out. I am sure his parents are watching from the window thinking, “Look at our son, such an entrepreneur.” And yet, he doesn’t appear to charge a cent! Either he is a communist or just a dumb businessman- though it must be the former because I do not know anyone who both wears a bowtie and has an IQ below 115.

I sort of like these insane rants about commercials that don’t exist anymore.