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Commercial Review

Recently, commercials have really been catching my attention. A few are making me bat shit crazy. Let the acquiescent insanity begin:

It’s Beginning to Look a lot like Passive Aggressive Christmas

I was unaware of how tense a white Christmas was until I watched this commercial. The atmosphere in this commercial gets so unpleasant that it a second longer I would have an anxiety attack.

The husband is completely ineffectual, a dud. Instead of saying, “What the hell did you just do? Are you insane?! We are broke and I know I didn’t get that for you, where the shit did you get that money??!” and worrying about how this bit of overspending is going to affect mealtime for the next month, he just passively whines about Santa’s little splurge. Enjoy the soup kitchen, buddy. I hope they have high chairs for your children.

Perhaps he was not thrust into a rage because that nice flat screen television is clearly stolen. I have never gotten a gift, that was made in a factory, without some sort of packaging. I guess the idea is, upon purchasing this television, this lady went home, took it out of the box, and THEN wrapped it.

At 00:14 there is a shot of the couples’ little girl. She is clearly a victim of emotional abuse. If mommy is like this about a television, I can’t imagine how manipulative she must have been when it came time to sign up for ballet classes- fulfilling mommys’ dream of dancing that never came true as a result of her clubbed foot. The daughters eyes’ show us that mommy and daddy are quickly on the path to an imminent divorce- this horrible scene has been played out time and time again. This little girl is just hoping that the tension wont be resolved with her parents wailing on each other, like last time.

In truth, all of their eyes look as though earlier in the morning the family dog was run over repeatedly by a bus carrying orphan, who had died from TB, to the morgue.

The last few seconds of this commercial are priceless. It is very clear how close this lady is to the edge of a freak out. Her eyes communicate it all, “Maybe you should shut the fuck up because I got what I wanted for Christmas.  I know your wack-ass wasn’t gonna pull through so, as usual, I had to satisfy my self. If you don’t like it I don’t care. Say one more thing and I will beat you while you sleep. Try me. I married a loser.”

Do Ya Wanna?!

I find this commercial extremely irritating. Firstly, step being used to sell sweatshop quality clothing? Heartbreaking. Not only does this commercial have zero visual appeal, but the lyrics are nauseating as well.  Particularly offensive are the efforts to include everyones’ holiday. DoWhateveryouwanuka? What the hell is that? And why do i need these yuppie dancers to tell me what I am allowed to celebrate???

Kwanzaa, Christmas, and Hannuka all get shout outs. Even some crazy holiday called Solstice, which is surely some Wiccan holiday revolving around Hot Topic incense and poorly lit chanting. But where is the shout out to Islam? Even though it would be awkwardly timed, with the inclusion of DoWhateveryouwanuka I would think the Gap isn’t concerned with making a fool of itself if it means inclusion. And yet, Muslims get no shout out, the message being that Gap was not made to fit Muslim customers. Do not hold your breath for Gaps’ hijab line.

At 00:15 this guy jumps high into the air seemingly poised to land on his knees. What a brave soul, what a feat- giving his future health to the Gap corporation. I know that boy hurt his knees, can’t you hear his grunt? In forty years, when he is hobbled over, making that walker shake like Los  Angeles, I am sure he will remember that plaid jacket and think, “it wasn’t in vain.” And the child who sewed it together? He died a while ago so no worries, at least he had a nice DoWhateveryouwanuka.

The final moment that really sticks in my craw comes at 00:22.  Sitting atop some fantasy hay loft, this young man bangs the shit out of this little boy’s shoulder in order to get his attention. A gentle tap would suffice, the dancing is not that hypnotizing. The young man then points up and out, to the distance; the boy is enraptured with the gesture and looks. What the hell did he see that warranted all the violence and high energy? Was it a flying pink elephant, farting golden ice cream sundaes? Or perhaps it was the promise of Harry Hannuka that encouraged the boy to look, only to find that the young man screams “GOTCHA” into his fragile cochlea. Maybe in the distance was a way out of the douche-baggery portrayed in this commercial. Alas, we the audience never get to find out.

Actually I lied, I really can’t stand their hip laughter at the very end of the commercial as well. (And what’s with that white lady breaking her ass trying to ride a white boy?)

Frapp Crapp

This kid making coffee

The scene opens up in the suburbs.  A line of young women are waiting to get a frappaccino from the young man picture above. I wish I could have found the video of this commercial, the image will have to suffice (although in the video he is waring a stunning blazer to go along with that kicking bow tie).  The women place orders for their drinks, without any visible exchange of currency, and then a luscious montage of how to actually make the frappuccino ensues. At the end of all the pouring and mixing a woman approaches, handing over a Starbucks look-a-like cup, and asks for a frappuccino. The boy says something to the effect of, “We don’t take those around here,” and the woman lowers the cup, dejected. The boy then says the slogan, “Now that’s how you Frapp,” while giving double guns like the Jesse James of cool hand gestures.

I’ll be damned if this commercial doesn’t portray a drug dealer hawking his wares to junkies. A strange boy, dressed completely out of context for being a supposed barista, is making frappuccinos at the end of a cul de sac and these crackheads just cannot wait to line up and get a taste. Incredibly, there are those who have already had a fix, but are lined up jonesing for more. There is only one way I would approach a stranger giving away strong stimulants, and that is as a junkie. If this isn’t a commercial for capitalist greed and its connection to the drug game, I don’t know what is.

Also, those cute as a button little white boys kind of freak me out. I am sure his parents are watching from the window thinking, “Look at our son, such an entrepreneur.” And yet, he doesn’t appear to charge a cent! Either he is a communist or just a dumb businessman- though it must be the former because I do not know anyone who both wears a bowtie and has an IQ below 115.

I sort of like these insane rants about commercials that don’t exist anymore.

Merry Columbus Day!

Hooray! If there was ever a holiday worth celebrating, it would be Columbus Day. And if you don’t know why, then you hate America. Like these two.

A great way to spend the day is to kick back in a track suit with some cold cuts and read 1491.


Obama Fail!

For the second installment of Obama Fail! lets look at Obama’s stance on the Don’t Ask Don’ Tell policy (the one that says there will be no openly gay soldiers in the military).

On January 10, 2009, Robert Gibbs assured the nation with his entire face that Obama is committed to ending the policy. Look here’s proof:

See I told ya.

Seems pretty direct and on point, yes? But on October 10, 2009, Obama aide Jim “Don’t Drink The Kool Aid” Jones told CNN that Obama, though still committed to ending the policy, is going to wait until the time is just right. Dare to call my bluff?

You owe me a coke.

Being a hypocrite doesn’t exactly bother me. And I do believe that sometimes politicians are bound by political obligation as opposed to being free to do what is morally right. Even with these two allowances this is still an Obama Fail because he makes himself appear spineless and unreliable.

Obama keeps undermining his promise of change. I am not a pot head, but I know that when I say, “I’ll do it later,” whatever “it” is will probably not get done-unless it is a bodily function (even then, iffy). Perhaps Obama’s campaign slogan should have been “Change We’ll Get Around To.” I suspect they had already written down “Change We Can Believe In”.

I really don’t understand what the problem is with gays in the military. It is not as though the Folsom Street Fairwill break out under

Gay Soldier
Is this the imagined consequence of repealing the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy?

the Hands of Victory statue in Baghdad should American soldiers be suddenly allowed to be open about their sexuality. In fact, I cannot imagine that a whole lot would change. Obama is smart enough to know this. He is also smart enough to know that with all the failing, illegal wars and costly occupations America is currently involved in, openly gay soldiers is a non-issue issue.

I don’t pretend to know what his lame decision is about. Perhaps the practical application of rainbow fatigues wont exist until America invades Candy Land. I just hope that it isn’t related to Obama’s giving concessions to the Republican party (which according to OUTRAGE, seems like a pretty gay party).

However, the pandering explanation would make sense in illuminating why some fundamental  Republican attributes (xenophobia -salted heavily with islamophobia, which transcends party lines- and homophobia) are allowed to persist in this Democrat’s White House. If this continues, there will come a point when Obama will be known for his pandering and concessions rather then the high-minded ideas originally promoted.

Perhaps the right time for enlisted soldiers to be openly gay will come around the same time as the closing of Guantanamo Bay.

Ok, so two years later I was wrong about the don’t ask don’t tell policy, but right about Obama being know to pander and concede. You win some, you loose some.

Tide Cold Wash Funky

This is annoying.

It is on par with those McDonalds’ commercials where people are break dancing while eating a McRib, beat boxing away. I get annoyed when corporations pander to the urban market, the way their creative types do it is always along some stereotype.

Tide, that brand of detergent in the appealing orange bottle, produced a commercial to the tune of Digable Planets’ “Cool Like That.” To their credit, this particular type of Tide promises to wash clothes cleaner in cold water, a temperature one might remark as being cool. Maybe the commercial isn’t targeting a specific market after all, just a little musical pun.

Though, even if Tide was trying to target an audience, the responding demographic would be white boys who went to a small to medium sized liberal arts college in a rural environment, who are veritable hip hop encyclopedias – though that fact fails impress their black friend. I wonder if the commercial will fall short, as everyone knows them folk let mom wash the urban gear.

For sure the sound track to my laundry day involves hip hop, but before I saw the Tide commercial it consisted mainly of horrorcore-nothing gets my rinse cycle going like a good Flatlinerz track. Maybe I should mellow out with Tide Cool Water and the Digable Planets gang. I think I just might, now i know can be both funky fresh and be smelling fresh. That makes me very happy.

Tide Cold Water Formula: for when your whites need to be their blackest.

At least it’s all toned down from this little gem:

Note: I have not, nor ever will, listen to horrorcore. I can’t believe its even a fucking hip hop sub genre. It must be from the mid-west, or something.

What is going on with me that I needed to review commercials? What an angry, angry young man.

Introducing Obama Fail!

Obama Fail! is an as-they-come chronicling of Obama’s missteps.  But this is not Fox News.  The missteps are more along the line of things that he is doing that undermine his brand image. Side note, Obama indeed has a brand image to protect.  His campaign has won two prestigious awards for their marketing technique: the Cannes Lion Ad award and the Advertising Age’s Marketeer of the year 2008 award.

The first Obama Fail I would like to point out has to do with Guantanamo Bay. In Obama’s first week as president he signed an order to close the prison on the navel base in January 2010 (order signed Jan 22 2009). The prison houses both prisoners from the war on terrorism overseas (who are not protected under the Geneva Convention, as America does not define them as soldiers) and random Muslims handpicked from the 50.

Eight months later, Defense Secretary Gates has said, “If you have to extend that date, at least you should have a strong plan showing you’re making progress in that direction …it shouldn’t be a problem to extend it and we’ll just see whether that has to happen or not.”

Anyone who has had to deal with authority figures knows that when they something may not happen, it means it ain’t gonna happen. At least Gates had the foresight to know people might not be too happy about this.  For a campaign that won on a promise of change, closing Guantanamo Bay was seen as a beacon of that change. But now it seems as though it will be Bushness as usual over at the Obama White House.

Perhaps Barry is not yet ready to start pulling back the islamophobia that Bush helped cultivate.  Perhaps it makes Obama seem like more of a real American, because as a real American you better hate and be irrationally scared of some group, otherwise you’re a commie. Or gay.

But for now, without any definite date for its closure, Guantanamo Bay will remain a beacon of American islamophobia and indifference to human rights.

In case you don’t wanna take my word for it: CNN Says,  Gates: Closing Guantanamo prison ‘more complicated’

It’s hard to be critical of Obama without sounding like a pundit on fox news. Glad I dropped this “column.”