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Weekly News Jokes (9/18)

News jokes for last week! I have to figure out a better way to update this, the week before thing is a little confusing.

  • A bomb threat forced an emergency landing at Oakland airport, prompting- for the first time ever-the passengers to fear the solution more than the threat.
  • A Ukrainian man came in first in a dumpling contest, winning a jar of sour cream. Soon thereafter, he died, answering the age old riddle: how many dumplings does it take to kill a man? 10, the answer is 10.
  • Herman Cain, a man with more experience with pizza that politics, is in the running to become the GOP presidential nominee. That is not so much a joke as it is a stark reality check of the current state of the GOP.
  • Dorito inventor, Arch West, died Tuesday at the age of 97. At the funeral, his family intends to toss the flavored fried tortilla chips on his coffin, thereby recreating West’s greatest fear of laying dead under a pile of Doritos.
  • The U.N. council will consider a membership bid by the Palestinian government. The bid will include such arguements as, “aw come onnnnnnn,” “please?,” and “I’ll be your frienddddddd.”

I already feel this blog slipping out of my grasp, that can’t happen again.


Weekly News Jokes (9/12)

These are my news jokes for the week of 9/12

  • Last Dragon star Leo O’Brien was hospitalized after being shot 3 times in Harlem, proving once again that it is not unreasonable to expect to be shot in Harlem.
  • Libyan’s have so far failed to agree to a new government, prompting fears of a predictable and stale story arc.
  • An Arkansas meteorologist was found asleep in tub next to dead man. It surprised no one as he had recently predicted that it would be raining men. It’s a long drop.
  • Mel Gibson is set to produce a film about a Jewish hero, and just like Passion of the Christ, he intends to make the Jews the villains.
  • A Dutch woman called her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times, one call short of the average amount of calls ex’s tend to make.
  • A captured giant crocodile is not eating and, as a result, is being checked for stress. Authorities are searching for a qualified psycho-analyst who has a very large couch.
  • A US Mint officer confessed to taking $2.4M worth of coins, arguing that he had a massive pile of laundry to do.
  • Dominique Strauss-Kahn admits ‘moral weakness’ in his infamous encounter with a hotel maid. Also, rape is now referred to as ‘moral weakness.’
  • An Hasidic man released “Faceglat,” a Facebook-like social networking site where the sexes are separated according to Jewish law. Many of the feature remain identical to Facebook, although you now have to poke through a sheet.
  • Apple lost another iPhone prototype in a bar. At this point, Apple should just give out their prototypes to drunk geeks.

-Look, they can’t all be knock-outs.